Well, it’s two days past the solstice and the sun’s still playing hard to get. As we speak, a billowing grey mass of cumulus is obliterating the shard of great blue yonder Crone can just about spy through her window. Going, going…. If ever a break clause was needed, it’s now. But, like the 40% of stay-at-home Brits outed in the press this week, Crone’s coffers are the driest thing about this summer’s long term forecast. Looks like a fakation’s the only resort…
Happily, the inconceivable has actually occurred - Crone has finally found a self-tanner she likes. Not that it comes cheap. Costing twice the price of an Easy Jet fare to the Costas but perhaps more dependable, Perricone’s No Sun Tanner’s virtually foolproof. Just a smidgen of tan developer DHA (dihydroxyacetone) in the mix gives Crone’s beyond-the-pale limbs a subtle and convincing golden glow. The formula, designed to be built up successively (although Crone finds a single application does her nicely for three to four days) is creamy and easy to apply evenly, so streaking’s minimal if at all. Mind you, Crone doesn’t hedge her bets. A serious buff around knees, elbows and ankles with an exfoliating Japanese wash cloth seems to avert those hideous orange stains that so characterise d-i-y do’s. And snapping on latex gloves not only looks professional, it gives a smoother finish that won’t Tango your palms. Most amazing of all though, is the lack of acrid, burnt biscuit whiff that makes so many fake tans visceral turn-offs. Okay, there’s a teensy hint of vanilla-ish something, but not enough to clash with your much-loved eau de quelque chose.
However subtle, self-tans are strictly for bodies in Crone’s book. Faces, with their lines and wrinkles are tricky - then there’s the delicate matter of your eyes. (Sssh - but someone known to Crone tans her face ritually, so her pores are like freckles and her skin looks seriously dingy!) Coaxing a glow with a palette like Nars Blush Bronzer Trio is, on the other hand, a doddle. This little beauty co-ordinates best-selling shades white-gold highlighter Albatross with Laguna bronzer and thrillingly-named Orgasm blush to stunning effect. Don’t brush Laguna all over - just under your cheekbones, over your brow and along your jawline gives a sunny impression without overload. But after you’ve picked up colour with your brush, do buff it onto the back of your hand so the bristles are evenly coated. You’ll get a much lighter, subtler, easily-controlled effect on your face. Next buff Orgasm onto your cheek apples (smile if you’re not sure where they are) and without re-charging the brush, sweep it up onto your temples and browbones. Just a smidgen of Albatross highlighter swept over your cheekbones near your outer eye corners and finger-blended just under your brow arch and inner eye corners gives your whole face a lift.
The sun protection is, of course wishful thinking. But should we ever feel those hot rays again, Nivea’s Invisible SPF50 spray and handbag-sized SPF30 are simply genius blue sky thinking. Now, must mow that lawn. Oh, pass the Pimms, do…
Wish you were here? Close your eyes and you're on Devon's jurassic coastline...
• Nars Limited Edition Blush Bronzer Trio, £39, Liberty and www.narscosmetics.co.uk
• Nivea Sun Invisible Protection SPF50, £16.84 and Pocket Size SPF30, £5.10, Boots and Superdrug.
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