Staycation, fakation...

Well, it’s two days past the solstice and the sun’s still playing hard to get.  As we speak, a billowing grey mass of cumulus is obliterating the shard of great blue yonder Crone can just about spy through her window. Going, going….  If ever a break clause was needed, it’s now.  But, like the 40% of stay-at-home Brits outed in the press this week, Crone’s coffers are the driest thing about this summer’s long term forecast.  Looks like a fakation’s the only resort… 

Happily, the inconceivable has actually occurred - Crone has finally found a self-tanner she likes. Not that it comes cheap. Costing twice the price of an Easy Jet fare to the Costas but perhaps more dependable, Perricone’s No Sun Tanner’s virtually foolproof.  Just a smidgen of tan developer DHA (dihydroxyacetone) in the mix gives Crone’s beyond-the-pale limbs a subtle and convincing golden glow. The formula, designed to be built up successively (although Crone finds a single application does her nicely for three to four days) is creamy and easy to apply evenly, so streaking’s minimal if at all. Mind you, Crone doesn’t hedge her bets.  A serious buff around knees, elbows and ankles with an exfoliating Japanese wash cloth seems to avert those hideous orange stains that so characterise d-i-y do’s. And snapping on latex gloves not only looks professional, it gives a smoother finish that won’t Tango your palms. Most amazing of all though, is the lack of acrid, burnt biscuit whiff that makes so many fake tans visceral turn-offs. Okay, there’s a teensy hint of vanilla-ish something, but not enough to clash with your much-loved eau de quelque chose. 

However subtle, self-tans are strictly for bodies in Crone’s book. Faces, with their lines and wrinkles are tricky - then there’s the delicate matter of your eyes. (Sssh - but someone known to Crone tans her face  ritually, so her pores are like freckles and her skin looks seriously dingy!)  Coaxing a glow with a palette like Nars Blush Bronzer Trio is, on the other hand, a doddle. This little beauty co-ordinates best-selling shades white-gold highlighter Albatross with Laguna bronzer and thrillingly-named Orgasm blush to stunning effect. Don’t brush Laguna all over - just under your cheekbones, over your brow and along your jawline gives a sunny impression without overload. But after you’ve picked up colour with your brush, do buff it onto the back of your hand so the bristles are evenly coated. You’ll get a much lighter, subtler, easily-controlled effect on your face. Next buff Orgasm onto your cheek apples (smile if you’re not sure where they are) and without re-charging the brush, sweep it up onto your temples and browbones. Just a smidgen of Albatross highlighter swept over your cheekbones near your outer eye corners and finger-blended just under your brow arch and inner eye corners gives your whole face a lift.

The sun protection is, of course wishful thinking. But should we ever feel those hot rays again, Nivea’s Invisible SPF50 spray and handbag-sized SPF30 are simply genius blue sky thinking. Now, must mow that lawn.  Oh, pass the Pimms, do…

 Wish you were here? Close your eyes and you're on Devon's jurassic coastline... 

 • Perricone MD No Sun Tanner, £50,  0800 917 8698 and www.perriconemd.co.uk

• Nars Limited Edition Blush Bronzer Trio, £39, Liberty and www.narscosmetics.co.uk

• Nivea Sun Invisible Protection SPF50, £16.84 and Pocket Size SPF30, £5.10, Boots and Superdrug.

What's it all about, algae? Why, our clean and pleasant sand...

 

Alright, alright. The puns are truly terrible, but Crone just couldn't resist. And there are worse things - so to business. This Wednesday June 8th^h was World’s Ocean Day, honouring our seas and all who swim and sail  them. Co-ordinated by the World Ocean Network and recognised by the UN, this annual celebration encourages us not only to enjoy marine bounties, but encourages us to consider what we can do to respect and protect our seas.

To this end, Crone shimmied down to shingly Whitstable with thalassotherapy (marine beauty) experts Thalgo, whose detoxifying, anti-ageing treatments based on mineral-rich Brittany algae she’s long admired.  The mission was a spot of intensive beach cleaning, so rubber gloves snapped purposefully on and brandishing telescopic pincers, under the watchful eye of Helen Bennington, Environmental Promotions Officer at Canterbury Council an intrepid team of beauty colleagues braved salty gusts and jibes of ‘Where’s yer tags?” (Helen’s more usual task forcers are young offenders on community service) and filled a minor mountain of bags with assorted crap. We then paid due honour to a deliciously slurpy, juicy lunch at the world-famous Whitstable Oyster Fishery Company’s beachside restaurant.  

Job well done?  Hmmm. Here’s the thing, Why, oh why did we need to scurry around picking up after people too cynical, selfish or stupid to take responsibility for their own detritus?  Are they blind?  Did they miss the strategically placed bins? Oh, don’t get me started. 

Much to Mr Crone’s dismay, rubbish dumping is becoming something of an obsession with Crone. But her mounting fury is proportionate to the rise in routine tipping Crone sees just walking down her own North London street. But what’s really harrowing is the casual desecration of wild and beautiful places by those who evidently enjoy them, then make damned sure no-one else - and that includes vulnerable wildlife - can. It’s as if, diminished by the grandeur and spirituality of nature, your average tip-head is compelled to assert themselves by making a mark with their crass calling card. Or am I over-intellectualising this? Sadly, I suspect the real reason is, they literally don’t give a toss. Call Crone a litter fascist, but zero tolerance is too cushy for ‘em.  People who dump trash are trash, I say.

Top of Crone’s hit list is dog walkers who feel they’ve done their bit by scooping a poop….then parking it, black bag and all, under the nearest tree. What a spectacularly mindless act of double-dumping.  Oh, a parcel! For me? Someone has to pick it up, don't they... Last summer as Crone wandered peacefully though Derbyshire’s verdant Dovedale (well, it was a weekday) she was horrified to see what looked like mutant Gothic bunnies dangling from riverside branches as if sinister votive offerings to the National Trust. Well, we found some of that at Whistable too, in spite of the clearly visible pooper bins…

Apoplectic? Moi? Moaning Crone had better go dowse her BP in a soothing  Thalgo algae soak before Mr Crone speed dials the paramedics. But she’ll leave you with a couple of final thoughts. An inscription on the wall of the Marine Display in the basement of the magnificent palm house at Kew Gardens brings it home how precious and delicate the interaction between marine, land - and human life really is. ‘Without algae there would be no life on earth, the seas would be sterile and the land uncolonised,’ it advises. After all, algae provide 50% of the earth’s oxygen and absorb copious amounts of carbon dioxide in a spectacularly generous gesture of give and take. World Ocean day reminds us that, unless we all want to be in the soup, it’s up to us to practise a bit of the old quid pro quo ourselves. Responsibility begins at home and cleaning up after ourselves - whether on streets, woods or beaches - is an excellent way to start.

Sea view?  Shame wrappers, tissues, tins and plastic bottles are now the benchmark 

The Yellow horned sea poppy (glaucium flavum) brightens shingly British shorelines. Pity ice cream tubs and plastic beer cups do too….

Who you calling rubbish?  The beach-cleaning team lead by Helen Bennington (check shirt) hard at it

                  Marion Green, Thalgo’s UK MD with unidentified plumbing objet trouvé

Bin there, done it. So why can't dumpers do the same?

Just so you know we scrub up well -  Thalgo’s detoxifying Bains Marins Thalassobath with Algae and stimulating Ocean Memory Deep Sea Scrub

               Sea you in the bar - the world-famous Whitstable Oyster Fishery Company HQ

                     Slipped down a treat - six of Whitstable’s finest native rock oysters on ice

• Thalgo is available in over 500 UK salons and spas. For stockists contact 0207 512 0872 or visit www.Thalgo.com

• The Whitstable Oyster Fishery Company, Royal Native Stores, Horsebridge Road, Whitstable, CT5 1BU. 01227 276 856 www.whitstableoystercompany.com

These little sweeties

Oh, I know.  Crone did a bit of a wince when she first saw these nail polishes. After all, bright comes as a bit of a shock after all those Chanel-a-like buffs and putties.  But then came the gauntlet moment.  Apparently, these juicy little Bourjois lacquers were made with the adventurous UK in mind, rather than the more precious Gallic market. Which made Crone think, well… French women may have chic stitched into their DNA, but we’re the one’s with the chutzpah. So, since toenails are the safest place to pilot a provocative (and let’s face it ,demanding) new colour, that’s where Crone’s flying the flag.  And although her teenage step-grand-daughter will almost inevitably inherit the chrome yellow option (shows up tough skin and cuticles!) Crone’s unaccountably taken quite a shine to the lime.  Followed closely by the violet.  But not together - that really would be trotters painted as piggies.

The giant jelly beans by the way - which just happened to match the polishes perfectly - come from the new range of party sweets offered by the beyond delicious Grocer on Elgin, in Elgin Crescent just off Portobello market and round the corner from Crone Central offices. These wickedly moreish munchables guaranteed to revive the inner child, set Crone thinking again. As this pesky recession trundles on, retailers reckon sales of old-fashioned sweets, puds and biscuits are rocketing. The positive cheer of simple pleasures?  Bourjois’ smiley, vynil-shiny  polishes with their chip-resistant 7-day finish could be just the pazzaz we need to get us through an uncertain summer.

• Bourjois So Lacque Ultra Shine, £5.99 available from June at Boots, boots.com and Superdrug (0800 269 836). Giant Jelly Beans 250g, £2.45 www.thegroceron.com